The Real me

The Real Me

Sal Rodriguez

A friend recommended Internet dating, so I posted a single's ad on a website. However, I don't have a digital camera, nor do I have a scanner, therefore the chance of anyone responding to my ad without a picture attached to it had about as much of a chance of happening as George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein doing The Forbidden Dance. I soon found myself sending messages to women. I tried to be as funny, witty, and charming as I could possibly be, after all, there was no picture attached, so I had to have a hook. I'd attempt to dazzle them with my conversational abilities: "Hi there hotinmalibu? I was just noticing that you work in software development. How about that whole Windows Millennium Edition reconfiguration?" To which she replied, "Sorry no picture." Let's try this again: "Hello hotinmalibu, uh, so you're originally from Maine? Say, how's that lobster?" Her reply, "Sorry no picture." I moved on: "Hello meditationgirl818, tell me, during divine contemplation, do you prefer the teachings of the Dhammapada or The Upanishads?" Her reply, "Sorry no picture." Okay, let's try this one more time: "Hey, do you think the secret of meditation is to transcend the mind or to embrace its contents?" INSTANT MESSAGE from meditationgirl818. "Oh boy," I thought, as I opened the email: "Sorry no picture."

I logged onto my dating profile. Since I don't have a picture I figured I might need to spruce up my Bio page. I immediately went into the space that displays Annual Income. Now there's my first mistake - I told the truth. What was I thinking? I needed to amass cyberwealth. I clicked on the $100,000 - $150,000 selection. I theorized that if I put more than that the fish might get suspicious of the bait, and if I put less than that then I would merely be another guppy.

I then went to the section that contained Physical Characteristics. I had listed myself as 5'7", 190 lbs. I realized that the other party might actually think that I look the way that I actually look, so I highlighted and erased. I needed to elongate. I left the weight at 190 lbs., but made myself 6'2". I also checked the Athletic Build category.

Under the Education section there wasn’t a category for Kicked out of School. I clicked on the Master's Degree category, using the same notion that if I click on Ph.D. the ducks might not respond to the decoy, and if I note lesser academic accomplishments I would get lost in the cyber-shuffle.

The next section to alter was Career. I had mistakenly put Writer. By posting this, I was completely spilling my guts as to my catchy-witty-charming email tactics, not to mention the concept that they might think that I'm an aspiring writer (starving) rather than a professional or published writer (damn lucky). I inserted the next best thing: Investment Banker. Now that's almost like being a writer because we both sit a lot, at least I think they sit a lot, when they're not walking around making much more money than I make.

Next came the Hobbies/Interests category. I erased complaining about dirty one-bedroom apartment and replaced it with kayaking. I erased yelling at cats for coughing up another fur ball and replaced it with martial arts. Out went going to $2.75 theatre to see six month old movies and not buying popcorn and in went theatre Out went resolving anger-toward-mother issues and in went weekend trips to Vegas. I deleted sulking in performance anxiety and I inserted snuggling afterwards (Okay, that one is true). I deleted going to the therapist three times per week and I inserted going to the gym three times per week.

Dreamboat2005 was ready. I logged off and went to bed about 1:00am. At 9:30am I woke up and checked my mailbox. The text said that I was close to reaching my In-box capacity of 6 MB (which I believe stands for Men in Black). I'm happy to report that dreamboat2005 has six dates lined up for this weekend. I'm not so happy to report that I've contacted a male escort service to send someone over to portray dreamboat2005. You might ask, "What's in it for you?" Well, nothing really. I'm out $3,000 ($500 per date), but Jake Nelson will have a digital camera attached to his ear.