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House of Pang

Shelley Pang

T 818.980.3577

F 818.980.3506

I spent several hours making phone calls today. I called the people on the bottom of my cellphone address list. I figured I'd try to give them some equal time. Let's face it, if you're my friend and your name is Zack, you're pretty much screwed. Aaron and I, however, have become quite close.

There was a nationwide study that found a connection between how tall a person is and how much money they earned. (The average American man is 5' 9"; The average American woman is 5' 5".) The study proved that for every inch below the national average you will earn about $1,300 less per year, per inch. I'm 5' 7", which means that every year I lose $2,600. Multiply that by sixteen years out in the work force: I've lost $41,600! When I learned of this information, I did what any one of you would have done - I'm suing my parents! "Your honor, my client is seeking retroactive compensation. We're also asking the court to consider future losses which, based on a life expectancy of eighty-five years, brings the entire judgement to $210,000."

This has completely changed the way I approach relationships. I only date women that are above the national average. My girlfriend is 5' 7", which means that over a ten year period she'll be worth $26,000. Beat that Charles Schwab!

I was feeling depressed recently, so I tried to committ suicide. I did the old lock myself in the garage and turn on the car method. I sat there for about three hours before I realized: I drive an electric hybrid!

When someone is born people ask, "How much did the baby weigh?" How come no one asks this when someone dies? "Hey dude, sorry about your grandma. How much did she weigh?"

Whe I die I want to be cremated. But since I'm Mexican, I want to be refried!